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with bad, there always comes good.

October 23, 2014

This week has been a good week. I think God allows the bad days to be known, to be felt so that we can learn to appreciate the good ones.

 

I'm learning.

 

Today, I laid in bed listening to my son breathe short breaths as his eyelids fell heavy and his thoughts calmed. I realized that the boys only crossed my mind a couple times today. I immediately began to feel guilty, but once I looked over at their urns, God spoke. I know it was Him because instantly my heart was calm, and I smiled.

 

He told me it was okay. He told me they were okay. He told me that He gave me this life to {enjoy} and I was doing just that.

 

Sunday- bad day, Monday- good day, Tuesday- good, long day, Wednesday- productive, good day, Thursday-..... well we will not know the outcome of tomorrow, but we can only hope it's but again a good day.

 

This week I've had the honor to stay busy, enjoy the company and comfort of a new friend, watch a man light up as I handed him a dusted old fan I had hoarded in my closet, witness my son learn the goodness of God's heart, and enjoy a couple of nights with my husband cuddled up on the couch.

He promised JOY with the morning and with that He's given me almost a whole week.

 

 

 

 

____________________________________

 

Thursday:  10/23/2014

 

I wrote that blog last night with the intention to post, but my husband asked if I was ready to watch a movie, and I immediately shut my computer. Through this whole experience, I've learned one MAJOR important lesson. FAMILY comes first. Well, God comes first, but family is VERY close behind, after all, without Him, I wouldn't have that family in the first place.

 

We watched "The Fault In Our Stars."

 

If you're a woman you know the feeling all too well. When you've had a bad day, a bad week, or even a year, (sorry just started quoting the Friend's song.... don't mind me) all you want to do is eat some chocolate on the couch and CRY. Well, we knew this would be a crying movie, and I was excited to have a good cry.

 

No one ever said you couldn't have a good day that included some tears, and if they did, well they're just wrong.

 

"I'm not going to be a mother anymore." The mom cried as she thought her daughter was passing away....

 

And there it was. I was filled with shame, guilt, remorse, and emptiness. Mom's, you know that feeling when they put your newborn baby on your chest, and you feel so complete, so warm, and

at peace. Ever since September 20th, the day after, my chest has been hurting. I can actually feel a physical pain of emptiness. I feel like I'm missing something. No wonder they do skin to skin after labor.

 

Your body literally craves it after delivering a baby. The only issue here is my body doesn't know there's something missing in our picture. The babies.

 

Leave it to a movie to bring all of it back.

 

Leave it to my husband to be the most comfortable pillow and the best person to cry on during this type of moment when it all comes back.

 

And here is where it all comes back full circle.

 

Bad moment = feeling like a failure because I lost my children.

 

Good moment = I've never cried on my husband the way I have been ever since this experience.

 

Now some may hope to never have to cry on their spouse, but crying on Nicholas' shoulders has brought us closer. Having him hold me and wipe my tears has brought us to a whole new level in our marriage, and I've never felt so safe, so in love and so me, than I do in these times.

 

God most definitely allows the bad days and moments so that we can appreciate and recognize the GOOD ONES.

 

AMEN.

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