The smell of bleach is strong as it hits my nose. I'm scrubbing harder and harder, trying to get the stained marker off the board. Even the bleach is having a hard time erasing all that made up "August."
Cohban asks me why I'm erasing the calendar in my office, and I'm torn. I want to yell it's because of all the dark times held within the month, but my lips can only get "It's November now," out.
Journal Entry: October 15, 2014
The drive to Miami was good. Music played, Maddie Lu slept, and Nick and I shared great conversation. It had been months since we've had alone time to just talk. It felt great.
Our church prayed for us that morning. I was in good spirits.
From everything I read, it seemed pretty simple. I'd have an ultrasound Monday which would be followed by a consultation. Then I'd have surgery on Tuesday and return home Wednesday. No big deal.
Monday morning came too fast. I didn't sleep well as I was nervous for all that was to come. We drove i95 to the hospital and boy were there crazy drivers out.
Anxiety kicked in.
My ultrasound tech was the sweetest as she showed us our babies. Little did I know that she'd eventually feel like family to me.
After two hours of ultrasound, they told me I could eat while we waited for Dr. Quintero.
He greeted us and began to discuss the findings.
Baby B was at a zero for amniotic fluid & had no signs of bladder function. Baby A was at a 7.5 for fluid.
If you're wondering what this means, amniotic fluid surrounds the babies in their sacs. My babies shared a placenta but had their own sacs. Anything above a 2 is good but 4 is a normal range. In order to be diagnosed with TTTS, the donor baby (our Baby B) would need to be below a 2, & recipient (our Baby A) would need to be an 8 or above. We were not TTTS at that point but were heading in that direction, again.
We had a tiny bit of hope that they were adjusting themselves, and that surgery wouldn't need to be. My ultrasound also showed that my membranes on Baby A's side had not completely attached to my uterus wall yet. Eventually, they would, but at this moment the membranes weren't attached. This was a risk for surgery because it allowed for the possibility for my water to break. So we decided to wait. Wait and see what happened.
Wednesday morning we repeated the same ultrasound.
The techs began discussing numbers and equations. I had no clue at the time what they were talking about, but I knew it was important.
We went to the waiting room and waited. It was a while until we saw Dr. Quintero, but it was worth the wait.
Baby B had now developed bladder function!!
Hmm, were they turning things around on their own?
But that's when he broke the bad news. We were not just yet TTTS (still inching closer to that) but we were now TAPS. What the heck is TAPS? Well, they are still trying to figure out TAPS but from what they know now, Baby B was anemic and Baby A had too much blood flow in its heart. He went on to explain that they do not know if surgery cures TAPS or if it can even cause TAPS. It's all still a learning game.
We had hope going home that day. I just prayed at that moment to go in one direction so that we had answers. I just wanted answers.
As I wipe away the days on my calendar, I can only think of all the hope August brought. August held Cohban's 4th birthday, Coh's first day of VPK, my first visit to the high risk which would tell me identical or not, and now hope of a team of babies who could possibly turn a diagnosis around with a little prayer & a nudge from God.