Was my loss not "great enough" for me to grieve? Was it just an unfortunate thing vs. a loss of a loved one?
Tonight I felt out of place. First, someone pointed out that I was "too happy" to be there. That "what could I be going through if I'm so happy."
I lost my sons.
Then we were guided into making lists of all the things we lose along with losing our person.
For example, with losing a husband we'd also be losing our companion, our caretaker, someone who takes out the trash, etc. And once they're gone, we realize all of that changes.
For me, there's only one thing I could think to write. My dreams. My dream of having a family of six. My title as a twin mom. Although, I still think that I am.
Was my loss not great enough for a list?
I feel that at times people place my loss on this level of "that's unfortunate" vs. she lost two sons.
When you hear of a little boy drowning your heart aches. You're able to picture a boy with laughter, with a life ahead of him.
Does it ache when I say I delivered at 22 weeks? Do you picture two boys with laughter? Two boys with a whole life ahead of them?
Because I do.
These babies were real. Are real. I held them, I kissed them, felt one LIVE on my chest, felt the other kick all over my stomach. They are very much as real as the baby I am rocking to sleep as I write this on my phone. So why do I feel that everyone treats my loss, as just that. A loss.
Maybe that's where I'm wrong.
A friend of mine told me Friday to focus on their life vs. their loss. Instantly I was brought to tears.
And then it hit me as I have been writing this.......
Maybe I'm not mad about how everyone is treating my loss of my sons, but how they are treating their lives. How I treated their lives.
You know the life I speak of that lived for three hours.
Where were you during those three hours? Were you dreaming of a new day to come? Were you beaming over your newborn baby in the middle of the night? Were you snuggled with your loved one in the comfort of your own bed? Were you anxious near a phone waiting for an update? Were you putting the kids back to sleep as you replayed what you just witnessed and realized what was about to come? Were you alone, waiting, scared in a hospital hallway? Were you in a state of shock, alone, in a room with a thousand people, in the OR? Did you realize that there was a newborn baby, alive, breathing, heart beating, alone.