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our little secret.

November 20, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

I wore jeans that day. It was freezing in the hospital and I knew it'd be another long visit.

Our sweet ultrasound tech went through all the same tests as before.

 

2 hours worth.

 

During each ultrasound I had that week, I would close my eyes when I thought she was getting close the "gender parts" as I wanted to be surprised this time around. It was my last pregnancy, and I already have a boy and girl, so why not!

 

Well, August 22, 2014, she scanned our babies for what seemed like the 100th time, and then she said it.

 

"Well, he's definitely a boy!"

 

My heart began racing and I yelled, "You weren't supposed to say that!"

 

Her face turned white. She felt horrible. I felt horrible for her.

 

I was alone this day. Nick had to go back to Orlando to go back to work and school. Mimi and Papa were on their way to the hospital that morning to be with me, but were running a little behind.

It was just me & the tech in the room. She begged to keep it our little secret, even from all the Dr.'s.

 

I agreed.

 

My heart jumped with joy. I was now carrying my two baby boys. Instantly I named them.

 

Baby A- Ryder Dylan Dail

 

Baby B- Grady Dean Dail

 

My baby boys.

 

I couldn't stop smiling. Yes, I wanted it to be a secret, but once I was able to put names to their tiny bodies, I felt even more in love. Ryder was my "wild child," as he was the one that I felt kicking 24/7, and Grady was my little fighter. {Hang in there boys. We are going to get through this.}

 

I smiled at the thought that this was our little secret. A secret between the tech, my boys, and God.

 

She printed me a picture of Ryder saying, "Boy x2!!"

 

 

 

 

I quickly hid it in my bag away from Mimi and Papa.

 

Mimi came in the room and was able to look at our ultrasounds. It was nice having her there.

 

We went into the waiting room and waited.

 

There was a husband in there all alone. His wife had just gone into surgery with Dr. Quintero. He seemed a little nervous, but positive. She was pregnant with twin girls. Mimi asked for his email address just in case we wanted to reach out later on.

 

He was told that his wife was out of surgery and that all went really well.

 

Dr. Quintero came in and told me that it was now my turn.

 

We reached a 0 for Grady, and an 8 for Ryder. Looking back, I hate myself for feeling a sigh of relief. Really Jenna, relief to go into surgery? At the time, it was a sigh of relief for just an answer. I just wanted an answer, a direction, a plan.

 

Surgery was it, and along with surgery came a huge stack of paperwork.

 

This paperwork explained every little detail of what could go wrong. It was so overwhelming.

 

TTTS is 90% fatal to BOTH babies WITHOUT surgery.

 

I knew in my heart I had to try. Otherwise, I might as well had signed up for an abortion.

 

Heart racing- I signed.

 

Instantly I was brought to the OR prep room where I signed more paperwork, changed to a hospital gown, and handed my "easy pregnancy" over. Here goes nothing.

 

____________________________________________

 

I'm so nervous. I ask if I can keep my wedding ring on. One lady is telling me no but finally another nurse says yes. Thank you. I really rather not part with this.

 

They are taking my vitals. Everything seems normal, healthy, ready.

 

A few nurses are introducing themselves to me. I recognize a few from the ultrasound room.

 

The husband and his wife who just received surgery are next to me. She's getting some fluids for minor contractions that she's having from the surgery. I know this can be an effect from having surgery. It's making me nervous, but I'm still staying positive.

 

I'm praying.

 

They are taking my blood and prepping me. We begin walking to the OR.

 

The OR is bright. All white. They are strapping my arms down and discussing the procedure to me.

I'm going to remain awake for this. For some reason, I thought they'd put me to sleep. They are telling me that I'll be awake and I can possibly see my babies.

 

"Do you know the gender yet?"

 

My heart is racing because I know that we decided to keep this our secret. Now I'm lying.

 

"No, I want it to be a secret."

 

"Aw OK! We will try to move the camera around them."

 

My heart is racing so bad right now because I just lied. Should I tell them the truth? No, why do they need to know? Oh man, this is awkward. OH man, I kind of love this secret.

 

They are giving me medicine now. They tell me that I'll feel a little "loopy" but it's normal.

 

While they are giving me the medicine they are draping me like a C-Section. I can't see past my chest.

 

I'm nervous. I'm shaking. I'm loopy.

 

They are beginning now.

 

I feel some pressure but nothing serious. They won't let me look at the camera yet. I close my eyes.

 

___________________________________

 

And that's when I saw Him.

 

It gives me chills still thinking about it. The second I closed my eyes I saw Jesus standing near a cross.

 

His arms were wide open and He called me to him. Mind you, I was still awake. They didn't put me to sleep. I was wide awake and I was in the presence of God. He gave me this peace that I will never be able to describe. He smiled at me, and he held me. It's going to be okay.

 

And that's when I saw them.

 

It's Christmas morning at our house. The boys are about 3 years old. They look exactly like Cohban. They are laughing and they are sitting across from me. Cohban is to my right, and Maddie is a little older and sitting to my left. I have all of my four children laughing at one table. My heart is at peace. How could I be any happier than this moment?

 

I open my eyes.

 

__________________________________

 

I'm thinking to myself, we are going to get through this surgery. We are going to get through this, and we are going to have that Christmas morning. God showed it to me for a reason.

 

Dr. Quintero keeps saying, "Beautiful!"

 

He tells me that I only have three veins that he needs to laser. I ask if that's a good thing. He's answering me. "Yes, most women have 20+."

 

They are moving the TV now so I can watch.

 

He's using this tiny camera inside my stomach and now I'm able to see all the exact details in my stomach.

 

He's trying to move the camera around the babies so that I cannot see their genders. I giggle a little.

 

And there they are.

 

I'm in shock. This camera feature is so amazing. I can see every detail of my boys.

 

Look there's their fingernails! Oh and look at their eyes. They are so beautiful. They are so real.

 

They are so mine.

 

He's finishing up and we are done.

 

____________________________________

 

They roll me back to the OR prep room. Now I'm feeling horrible. I'm nauseous and a massive migraine has kicked in.

 

Mimi comes to be with me.

 

They give me all these meds to try to help stop nausea and pain.

 

They hook me up to a contraction monitor. I'm having contractions. They are getting worse, but I'm not able to feel them.

 

They give me a shot to try to stop them.

 

Then the give me MAG.

___________________________________

 

The rest of the day is kind of a blur. MAG basically feels like the flu. It was HORRIBLE. I was starving because I hadn't eaten in so long, but I was so sick and felt like I wouldn't have been able to keep anything down.

 

I begged for drinks, but little did I know, I was on a no eating diet for a long time. It's a MAG thing.

 

And little did I know, being hooked up to MAG meant no more bathroom trips or shower trips.

 

I spent that night in the hospital room throwing up all over the floor next to me, having chest pains (which later I found out was due to MAG as well) and being miserable. I was alone.

 

My nurse obviously hated her job and me. It could have been the fact that I puked all over the floor, which she then had to clean up, but I swear I didn't mean to.

 

She hated every time I called her in, so I tried not to.

 

Life sucked that night.

 

Little did I know.....

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