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we all have something.

December 3, 2014

 

 

The holidays have put me in a good place. I pray this happens to all those who have lost this year, or years before, although I do know it won't be true for most. I'm sorry about that. My heart is truly with you.

I have something on each day of my planner this month, all celebrations, doing things I love, and spending time with those I love.

 

But even when I'm wrapped with good all around me, I still have two little boys tugging at my heart, and with that, I must continue telling my story, so that we can eventually find the good within the season.

Have you ever had a day where you felt accomplished and defeated all in one? All within a few hours?

You wake up, cheerful, feeling successful, and then 12 hours later you go to sleep feeling like you've lost.

You've been beat.

 

That was August 23rd for me.

 

The day started out promising.

 

Contractions slimmed to a bare minimum, they were unhooking my MAG, and I got the OK to walk to the bathroom.

 

My ultrasound tech, who at that point felt like a mom to me, came in and told me I'd be second for ultrasound that morning. The girl I met before going into OR was first. I could hear her all night. She got to shower, hang out with her husband, and I know for a fact she didn't throw up once. Our nights were different. Completely different. And I can only hope our outcomes were completely different as well.

Ultrasound went well. Our levels were raising for amniotic fluid. IT WORKED! But he noticed the lining of my uterus did come completely off the wall on Ryder's side, exactly why he was nervous about going into surgery in the first place. But he assured me he could fit it with no problem on Monday. I was good to go home. They wheeled me out to my ride, and I was off.

 

I smiled a lot that day. I was exhausted from getting sick the whole night before, so I requested a peanut butter sandwich (haha cravings for sure!) from my Grandmother & a nap. They watched Maddie Lu for me as I cuddled my pillows closely in bed. I slept for a few hours and woke by 7 pm.

They served me hot dogs and we watched TV together, all of which I laid down. Maddie Lu was snuggled in bed and soon enough I joined her in the guest room. I decided not to shower because rest sounded better at that point. (BIG MISTAKE-get to that later)

 

And I crashed.....

 

Around 11:00 PM I woke up and rolled over to a text message from my aunt. It spoke of hope. It was filled with pictures of TTTS Survivors that she knows personally. It made me smile. We can do this, boys. I closed my eyes.

 

And just like that, with a twist of my back, I rolled to my side and my nightmare began.

 

This is a nightmare that I was haunted with every single night after. A nightmare, literally. I would dream it over and over again, and wake up with night sweats.

 

Within seconds of rolling, I was soaked. I felt a gush roll and swamp me in bed. I sat up terrified to move any further. I knew instantly what this meant, and I was overwhelmed with fear.

 

"Nana," I whispered.

 

Maddie Lu was asleep to my left in her pack and play. I really didn't want to wake her but I needed help.

 

"Nana!" I yelled.

 

"My water just broke."

 

She ran to the phone and dialed 911. I scrambled to find the hospital paperwork because I knew there were specific rules if this were to happen. Nana handed me the phone and I tried to quickly explain my story.

 

"I'm only 18 weeks..."

 

"I'm so scared."

 

The lady on the other end repeated that I would be okay and that help was on its way.

 

"Do not try anything to stop the water from coming." She said.

 

I lost it...

 

At this point, Maddie Lu was crying in fear of what was going on.

 

I had a few EMT's come in and try to gather all my notes and the story for themselves.

 

They couldn't fit the stretcher in the door so they asked me to walk with them to the ambulance.

 

Bawling, I begged out loud, "My babies. God, please do not take my babies."

 

We got into the ambulance, and that's where I met a lady I will never forget. She comforted me. She talked with me. She held me. Her heart broke with mine. She stayed with me as long as she could.

 

I'm forever grateful for her.

 

We arrived at the nearest hospital. The people at the nurse station were annoyed that I was there.

"Another one?!" A lady asked in a smart tone.

 

"Can we not be so rude?" I asked.

 

"Right, Jenna!" My new friend & comforter said.

 

They brought me to a room and started taking vitals. It was there that I was told they were sorry and there was nothing they could do.

 

Hold up. 18 weeks pregnant and I get an "I'm Sorry." WHAT!!!

 

I begged.

 

"Get me to Miami. Please get me back to my Doctor. I KNOW he can help me. I know it."

 

It took hours for them to get the OK to transport me to Miami. All in which we couldn't get ahold of my Dr.

My heart was breaking.

 

After a full night in their ER, another ambulance came and transported me to Jackson ER. I waited.

 

They finally brought me upstairs to labor and delivery, and after what seemed like forever, my ultrasound tech came in. My heart dropped.  I bawled, and with this familiar face all my walls were brought down and

I could sigh a sigh of relief.

 

"Help me..." I said.

 

__________________________________________________

 

Today I did a little Christmas shopping. It hit me. I'm supposed to be preparing for twins today. I'm supposed to be resting, awaiting their arrival. And yet, I'm here, at Target, not pregnant. Reminded of what I don't have.

 

And that's where I need to sit here and tell you what I'm grateful for- what I DO have.

 

On Thanksgiving, I was asked what I was thankful for.

 

Tears welled up when all I could think of was {to be alive.}

 

I'm alive. I'm alive, healthy, breathing. I have legs to walk. I have eyes to see. I have hands to touch. I have a heart to love. I'm alive.

 

I have a husband who truly and deeply loves me. We could be living in two separate worlds some days,

but he's always, always thinking of me, and wanting to catch back up. A husband that literally carried me when I couldn't walk, who fed me when I could sit up, and who loves me even when I don't love me.

 

I have Cohban. Cohban Douglas. A boy that will tell me I'm the best mom right in those moments that I think I'm failing. A boy that will tell me "I love you. I miss you." 1000x a day. A boy that just wants to hug, cuddle, chat, and sing with you. My boy. I have my boy.

 

I have Maddie Lu. Oh this girl. This is the girl that watches me raise my hands in church as I worship, and now every single time she hears music, she worships as well. My girl who says "thank you" for everything and kisses me 100x while I rock her each night. My girl who calls Daddy "Mommy" because she's just that, Mommy's girl.

 

And finally, I have two angels waiting for me. They are watching over me each day and reminding me to "just take that walk" when I'm anxious and overwhelmed. My angels who tried to fight the good fight with me, and blessed me so so so much in our short time together. I love my angels.

 

When the holidays get hard, or messy, which we all know they do and will, try to sit back and make your list as well. You DO have something. We all have something. Sometimes we get stuck on the what went wrongs and forget what went right.  Or we focus on what we don't have, when we are actually missing what's right in front of us.

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