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a new normal.

December 30, 2014

Journal Entry | August 14, 2014

 

Dear God,

 

Although this may not be how my prayers usually start, I felt maybe writing to you would be the best way to get my words out to you. You know me better than anyone. You know how I can write without hesitation, but will speak with many pauses. You actually know me better than I know myself. You know that I feel that letters are more personable, and are probably my most favorite way of communication & to let someone know you care. Thank you for creating us to be individuals that can communicate & crave that communication & connection with others.

 

Lately, I've felt distant from you. My doing so, my mistake. I've been so distracted by my own needs, that I have been falling to tend to yours. I know that your word has asked us to just spend time with you, be still with you, and be there. I've been absent, and I've been hurting during that absence.

 

Two days ago my world changed. My heart broke into pieces as my body began to shake. Hearing the words that I've feared all along, rolled off his tongue and I blacked out. Ever since that moment I've been trying to pray a clear message to you, but all that comes out are bits and pieces of jumbled mush. I'm scattered. I'm broken. I'm afraid.

 

I've been trying to spend time with you through music, but I feel like maybe I'm afraid to let it all go.

Although I'm crying a thousand times, all I want is to fall to my knees & give it all to you. I want my fears, my heart, my mind die to you.

 

Maddie Lu hugged me the other night while we ate our dinner. I actually felt you. I felt the warmth of your arms... Your security... Your love.

 

__________________________

 

 

Blog entry | December 29, 2014

 

As I scroll through my journal and read previous prayers, my heart is torn. I prayed with hope. And that hope has been torn away from me, but now there's a new hope that lies within me. I once had a hope or one would say, a dream. A dream that was filled with four children. All laughing, holding hands, and snuggling their mom. A dream of future weddings, bonds between siblings, and my boys to care for.

Today, as I sit and reflect on all the pains, as well as the joys this Christmas has brought, I'm sitting here dreaming of a new hope. A hope of the new normal. A new me within that new normal. Finding peace.

 

Finding organization. Finding a new air to breathe.

 

I haven't written in awhile in hopes of hiding from the darkness. But of course, that darkness found it's way around every tiny crack I left open, and through any trigger it could possibly impose itself on. Did you know while you experience grief, you can still experience joy? It amazes me every day that one moment my heart can be torn into pieces, and then an instant later it's beaming with joy. What a life!

 

And here I sit alone, ticking clock in the distance, Christmas lights flashing, a fog amidst the French doors, feeling a peace. I needed this. I needed to be alone for a little while to feel the peace, while also feeling the pain. This fall I have stuffed away the pain, placed a smile on my face, and tried to carry on in any way I could. But I finally surrendered to my grief and have accepted it into my life. This week is for feeling, healing, and grieving. It's for me. It's for my boys.

 

With that, I'll continue my story.

 

August 24th. A familiar face walks in, and all my walls fall down. I can breathe.

 

She is my ultrasound tech. My new hospital mom. My new friend.

 

She walks to the scan room and turns on her machine. As we wait for it to warm up, she asks me if I can stand and move to her bed. Looking back I wish I would have stood a little longer. Little did I know, that'd be the last time I could stand for what seemed like an eternity.

 

And there they were. Ryder and Grady. Hearts beating, kicking away. I felt a peace come over me.

 

And there it was. The membrane they noticed that had detached from my Uterus wall, was now flapping away allowing all my fluid for Ryder to escape. His sac had officially torn.

 

But to our surprise- Grady's amniotic fluid was rising! THE SURGERY WORKED!

 

Dr. Quintero walked in and joked around, "What did you do!" Laughing, I assured him I was sleeping and did NOTHING to make this happen. He knew. He liked to joke.

 

He put a game plan in place, and I was scheduled to have an Amnio Patch the next morning.

(For those of you who don't know.. an amnio patch is when blood platelets are injected into your stomach, and they form basically a scab on your baby's sac to patch over any holes that may be leaking fluid.)

 

I was told not to stand up, as our goal was to keep as much fluid in for Ryder as possible. And I was moved into my new rom. A room that would become home for a LONG time. A room that had only one station on the TV- NBC- (I learned to love Family Feud & Steve Harvey, as well as keeping up with the news.) A room that had stripped me of all my comforts I once had known. A room that became my new normal.

 

Monday, August 25, 2014

 

Nick was now with me. He came back to Miami Sunday night. Praise God. I needed his comfort and I needed his touch. They wheeled me into the ultrasound room. This was the first room I saw the boys in Miami. This was the first room I was diagnosed with TAPS & TTTS. This was the first room I found out I was having two more sons. And now this was the room that we were fighting for their lives.

 

I was in pain that day. Without disclosing too much detail, but not being able to walk meant not being able to use a normal bathroom. You know, a toilet. Which was not something that was easy for me. My heart learned to appreciate the homeless a little more than I had once before this experience. Do you know what it's like to not have a toilet to use? It's pitiful, degrading, and quite painful. So needless to say, my stomach hurt. REALLY BAD. So as they were prepping me for our procedure, I was hurting and complaining. I asked about a thousand times for medicine and they agreed that soon after the procedure I would receive it. And so we began.

 

I was draped with all the blue drapes that are used for a C-Section. I was a nervous wreck. I was told to put my hands under my head because once I was sterile, there was no more touching. I closed my eyes. I was shaking. He had different bags of "stuff" that was going to be injected into me. I'm not in the mood to get all technical right now, so google if you'd like.

 

I was told not to move, and they began. The ultrasound was being taken to help guide Dr. Quintero's needle. My eyes remained shut.

 

I felt a huge needle insert my stomach, and it took everything not to move.

 

They all talked. I just listened.

 

Nick told me afterwards that Dr. Quintero had our ultrasound tech move around until he saw the opening of the hole. Our hole was no more than 15mm I believe. I can't remember how big it was, but it was NOTHING.

 

He had her hold the camera completely still and he placed the needle tip directly within the hole and injected into me. Nick said a cloud formed on the screen and was in my sac. Amazing.

 

After he injected all he needed, he pulled the needle out of my stomach and that was that.

 

Then they hit me with my rules.

 

"You cannot move for three days straight. No rolling onyour side, no standing, no lifting, no sitting up, no pushing, and no moving of your abs completely. We can't risk for this patch not to settle. You must lay completely on your back for three days to let it form it's scab." And they rolled me back into my room.

 

Call me weak. Call me defeated. Call me whatever you may, but I cried. I bawled. I screamed. That was it for me. The towel wanted to be thrown, and I didn't want to be suffocated anymore. How can I, a healthy 26 year old, who is very well capable to walk, run, jump, use the restroom, shower, eat, throw, etc, be forced to lay and do nothing, not even the slightest roll to my side. How can this happen?

 

A nurse came in to calm me. I was already in pain, and now the pain in my back began. I was miserable. I was defeated.

 

She placed her hands underneath my back and began to rub. Along with each rub she whispered to me that I'd be okay. She gave me so many words of encouragement and peace. My anxiety disappeared, and I took a deep breath.

 

It's worth it for my boys.

 

That was a painful night. Or should I say few days? Every muscle in my back felt like a knife was being struck through it. When you're an active person like me, or well a person that even just walks from the kitchen to couch, you use your muscles that you don't even know you have. But once you are placed in a position and stop using them, IT HURTS.

 

Wednesday, August 27th , 1:57 PM (text message)

Me: We are cured of TTS, we are cured of TAPS, and the hole is basically gone!!! He may keep me til Friday to keep an eye on things. "I'm in no rush to send you home." He said but seriously amazing news!!

 

Thursday, August 28th, 8:16 AM (text message)

Me: 4.4 for B and 3.7 A! :) the membrane is barely visible anymore!

Friend: That's great. You leave tomorrow?

Me: Not sure yet. Haven't spoken to him. She said he will prob want me to ease my bed rest while in the hospital first... She said once I get bathroom privileges back, etc...

Me: Every case is different she said but so far they aren't projecting bed rest. Once the membrane is set, then I'm a normal pregnancy again.. But they wanted to confirm it was setting with bed rest. The TTTS is gone so we don't have to worry about that ruining my fluids anymore. :)

Friend: That's crazy. I would stay relaxed.

Me: Oh I will. Whatever it takes.

 

Friday, August 29th, 2:53 PM (text message)

Me: Both babies over a 4!

Friend: Oh good!

Me: :) :) :) :)

Friend: So you leave Monday?

Me: I think so. She though that was too long but I think he just wants to be safe... They are perfectly healthy and fluid above normal.

 

Friday August 29th, 7:05 PM (text message)

Me: Allowed to use bathroom and shower but then straight back in bed. Dr. is on call on Monday bc of the holiday so he said see me Tuesday. He said we are between great and fantastic.

Friend: That's a step up from sponge bathing! lol

 

Tuesday, September 2, 10:43 AM (text message)

Friend: Are you home?

Me: No just had ultrasound.

Friend: Still good?

Me: Fluids are amazing but the membrane came off the wall again & I think I just leaked. Waiting on them to test it.

Frend: Okay let me know.

 

Me: When she was scanning me she saw a bubble above B (outside it's sac) but couldn't say what it was. Also saw A's membrane came off the wall. When they were done scanning I laid down and felt fluid come out. Dr. came in and rescanned me and that bubble above B was gone. So it could have been old fluid accumulating and leaked out or I may still have a tiny hole leaking. But the patch is working bc he said I'd be leaking all weekend if it wasn't. So he's just going to re-patch me just in case. Another week in Miami...... :(

 

{Miami became my new normal....}

 

 

 

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