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just when i go to throw in the towel.

February 18, 2015

 

 

 

 

 

I looked down at myself. White shirt, covered in marker. Hair thrown up because I felt as though it was weighing me down. Feet black from the un-swept floors. Tears swelled up. That's it. I'm throwing in the towel I thought.

 

Today stunk. I'd use another word but my four-year-old has reminded me daily that I said a word I shouldn't have a week ago.

 

Great job Mom.

 

Cohban fell yesterday face first into our tile floor. Nick and I watched it as it happened. I literally had just gotten done telling him to slow down and take a rest before his friends came over.

 

Crash.

 

It took me a moment to move, but my first thought was that it was just a bump.

 

As Nick lifted him from the floor blood poured out everywhere. I became so weak instantly.

 

Blood is not my thing. Actually. emergencies are not my thing, and I keep thanking God for having Nick still there when this happened.

 

He was supposed to leave 10 minutes prior and I convinced him to stay a little longer to help.

 

Thank. God.

 

This morning was especially rough for me. I kept looking at my precious boy's face and having a hard time with it. Stitches make me weak, literally. And then seeing them on my baby's face, kills me.

 

He could only make it an hour in class before begging me to take him home.

 

Playing nurse to him, mom to Maddie Lu, wife to Nick, and business owner has me sitting at the table looking out my window wondering how I'm going to make it another 3 hours until bedtime and a conference call.

 

I'm scanning my house and all I see is toys thrown around the floor, marker covering every inch of my table and my 18-month-old daughter, and dishes piling over every ounce of the counter.

 

And then it hits me. "Look at me," He says.

 

"But there's so much to be done, Lord."

"Look at me."

"But look at this mess. Nick is going to die when he gets home."

"Look at me."

"But look at how bad his face looks!!"

"Jenna, Look at me."

I walked over and grabbed a devotional a friend of mine bought me, and this is what it read:

 

Unfinished:

 

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. We're all familiar with this popular adage. Women have always been attracted to the sparkling beauty of precious stones. But these gems are more than just pretty baubles. Formed a hundred miles below the earth's surface, diamonds require intense heat and crushing pressure to grow.

 

Diamonds also have some unique attributes. Their rigorous creation transforms them into the hardest known natural material on earth. As such, diamonds can survive in extreme surroundings that would destroy other materials. They can withstand severe physical, chemical and even radioactive forces. Pure diamond is also the most transparent material known. It reflects light from the ultraviolet, visible, and infrared spectrums.

 

But diamonds don't come out of the earth looking like the polished, cut stones we find in our jewelry. A diamond in the rough can look like a small, ordinary stone. Most people would probably overlook it completely, not recognizing its potential value.

Sometimes we wonder why God seems to be trying us, allowing us to struggle. But just as diamonds must endure extreme conditions while growing into durable, glittering gems, God is working to transform us. He's purifying our hearts so we can reflect Christ.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10

 

BAM.

 

I looked to Him, and this is what He told me.

 

Today I'm probably failing at every job he's given me. A friend recently said, "This parenting stuff isn't easy," and it's been replaying in my head all day.

 

I wonder if all the times we cry to God, just as much as my son has been crying to me today, does God say, "This parenting stuff isn't easy?" Nah. He says "He's got this..." and through that- He's got US.

I'm so grateful that I can be failing, but he will never call me a failure. And when I keep looking at all the mess around me, all the broken, bloody (yuck), and marker covered EVERYTHING, He's constantly saying,

"Look at me...."

I'm looking Lord. I'm looking.

"God isn't finished with you yet. Endure His polishing with the hope of obtaining eternal beauty."

 

 

 

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