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no one ever said it would be this hard.

May 22, 2015

You know that song from Coldplay, the one that says, "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard?" Yea, well I have it on replay in my mind.

 

It all began with music. Today we were sitting in a group. The group was filled with bouncing four and five-year-olds, sad mommies, and beaming teachers.

 

The music began to play and he began to walk.

 

He walked so great. His teacher already warned him to do his slow walk vs. his fast walk. When Cohban is told a certain direction, he works very hard to make sure he's doing it right. He definitely mastered his walk. I quickly followed behind trying to grab as many pictures as I could. As he took his first steps up the stage I felt the tears.

 

"Oh cut it out, Jenna. Not now." I said to myself.

 

I swallowed the pain in my heart and put a smile on my face. There he was. My pride and joy. My first born, walking out of VPK and into his next chapter.

 

As they said his name and placed his photo on the projector I lost it.

 

And this was only rehearsal.

 

 

_________________________________________________________

 

After I lost the boys many people thought it was helpful to tell me to focus on the two healthy children I had or told me, "At least you can have more." Although yes focusing on Maddie Lu and Cohban has kept me going, along with a lot of faith and prayer to Jesus, and the statement that I may be able to have more children stays placed on my heart and keeps my hope alive, this doesn't eliminate to pain.

 

I thought today would be a joyful day, which it really is, but my heart is torn. Today I saw Cohban rehearse his graduation and I saw Grady and Ryder missing out on theirs. Today I saw my first born leave a chapter in his life and I saw Grady and Ryder having a small, small chapter.

 

Torn I tell ya.

 

I came home and as I flipped through Cohban's preschool book I lost it. How can time go by so quickly? How can it be that it feels like yesterday that my sister was sending me pictures of Cohban's first day of school and I was still pregnant, and now it's the last day of school and 8 months since I've held my boys.

A Mama's heart that has children both on Earth and in Heaven is a full heart. It's a heart that holds joy and pain, laughter and tears, celebration and sorrow, and most of all {hope}.

 

Today, this Mama's heart is celebrating yet hurting so badly.

 

____________________________________________________

 

Cohban Douglas Dail,

 

Today I watched you play with your friends, ask Victoria to marry you and get turned down, focus so intently on your walking pace, and I saw you beaming with a smile ear to ear as you said goodbye to your friends.

 

It seems like yesterday my mom told me that you'd be in school and who knew I'd see that time so quickly.

You have blown me away these past five years, from your photographic memory to the love in your heart, you've made me one proud Mama.

 

There's nothing I love more than when you grab my hand to hold or when you say, "I love you- I miss you!"

I prayed for you and God surpassed every inch of you that I dream.

 

Thank you for letting me love you hard and for dealing with my emotional moments such as today or like I'll be on your wedding day. (Don't even get me started....)

 

Congratulations Buddy on graduating VPK! Here's to the next chapter in your life and to all the memories this next year will bring.

 

I love you Monkey. Always & forever.

 

 

 

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