Scrolling through my phone & there it was. The one thing I've wanted all along. A video. A video of two sweet babies. I'm laughing and holding them both. I say, "Here is Grady & this is Ryder!" I'm smiling. They're about the size of healthy newborns. I'm smiling. They're alive. I'm looking at the video, heart racing and so relieved. I always said that if I could go back I'd tell myself to videotape.
And then I awoke.
It was a dream. A dream and a nightmare all in one. A dream because it was like a little, "Hello" from my growing babies in Heaven, yet a nightmare because I don't own a video like that and never will.
There are days where I get stuck in the "what if's" or the "I should haves." Do you all do that too? I mean in any decision you make in life. There is always that question of what if you did this differently and the answer of what would your life would be like today.
If I had known what I know today......
I would have videotaped.
I would have held them for an entire day.
I would have shown my face in the pictures.
I would have celebrated the pregnancy a little more.
I would have taken more pregnancy pictures, even if I was flat on my back.
I would have fought a little harder & held on a little longer.
But let's not get stuck there. These thoughts pop up day to day, moment to moment, but they aren't where God wants me to stay. He wants me to stay with the "What I know today."
What I know today...
I have the most loving family.
I have a pretty nice heart & all I want to do is love.
I am blessed. Beyond measure.
I did the best that I could with what I knew.
I fought a pretty darn good fight.
I'm still fighting a pretty darn good fight.
Life is short. Life is short but it is something that's worth everything. I have a pretty awesome life filled with love.
I have the best friends.
I've been meeting some really amazing, encouraging people, who are strong & have a story worth telling.
Your story matters.
My story matters.
My story doesn't end with the "what if's" & the "I should haves" and neither does yours.
So is there something you've been dreaming about that you should have done? Is there a decision that you keep thinking about wondering why you didn't do things differently? Keep moving. Write your list of what you do know or where your life is. Don't get stuck in the past. Don't get stuck in the future. Just know that you have today & today is the best day. Keep fighting the fight & stick with joy. Your life is pretty awesome. You, my friend, are blessed beyond measure. You did the best that you could with what you knew in that moment. Good for you!!
I thought of you today. One hundred million times. I left the house feeling my heart ready to burst and I kept praying for an answer as to why I was feeling this way. All of a sudden I saw your faces. There you were. My anxiety slowed and my heart shifted. It hurt and still does. It comes in waves as you know. This whole grief thing is still not fun, but I'm not afraid of it anymore.
Boys, I miss you. I miss your touch, I miss our moments together, I miss you both. I keep trying to picture what life would be like today if you were here, but then I'm reminded that it doesn't matter. God can give you more than I can, and for that, I am thankful. You boys will never feel heartache, pain, or an anxiety like I did today. And for that, I am at peace.
Boys, I enjoyed seeing you in my dreams. I'll take a dream like that any day, so keep them coming.
Today I wrote an email to the ones that loved you most. I asked them to help me keep your story alive and spread love to others around us. Us four, you Ryder, you Grady, Jesus, & myself, are going to carry your purpose on for the sake of [hope]. We've got this. You've got this. I know God brought you into my life for a purpose, and my only hope is to be able to live that purpose out.
I love you both so, so much. Miss you always.