I'm tired. I'm tired yet I'm writing. Lately, I've been reciting thoughts in my mind that I've been wanting to share, but by the time the kids close their eyes and the dishes put away, I close my screen & fall into a dreamland myself. My brain has been left feeling heavy, foggy, & clouded. The same amount of time it takes for a thought to pop up, it disappears. I'm tired but I'm longing to hold onto my thoughts as long as possible so I'm hoping that through writing, I'll be able to bring them out & linger with them a little longer.
For now, I want you to envision your closest friend. This could be your spouse, best friend, sister, or even mom. Imagine a hot cup of coffee, lots of creamer, sitting in front of you, silence in the background and your body sinking into a soft, deep sofa. Sit back & relax. Take a sip of the coffee & breath in the steam. Breathe in the silence & feel your heart start to calm.
"How are you?" They ask.
Now don't be so quick to answer. We all know that a quick response will lead to the "I'm busy" & the "I'm fine's." Sit. Soak. Think.
How are you really?
How are you in this very moment, how were you today, how was your yesterday? Now I don't want to hear how messy your house is & how hard it is to keep it up. I want to hear about your heart, & so do they.
How are you?
When I began blogging I needed a safe place. I longed for a place where I could pour my heart out & not be judged based on the contents. My heart is an imperfect heart, & it's a heart that can be easily judged. As is yours. It can be hard to share your heart, in hopes of being real but not being stepped on. We all step sometimes & that's a scary thing.
My blog started as private. I could write & know that I'd be the only judge. Then I shared with a couple friends & then the world. I've been asked why and the only answer I can land on is that my story matters & just like my story, so does yours. While growing up I've lived in a world of "don't share too much" & I've lived in a world where I thought everyone was okay. That if I asked the how are you question & they answered, "I'm fine," I believed it. How naïve.
Today I walk around looking at the ones around me & I long to know their story. I want to know the emotions flowing through their heart because I know I'm not alone when I say this world is tough & our hearts are tired.
Last week I learned about vulnerability at church. I was taught that we came into the world vulnerable. We are born naked, the most vulnerable state we can be in. So why do we find it so hard to open up & be our true selves today? How are you really?!
So let's try something. I'm going to open up & hope that you do the same. If you feel called to share, feel free to write how you really are. I bet your vulnerability will take you to a whole new level of security & relation with God. Feel free to write or the next time a friend or spouse asks the "h" question, I pray that you answer truthfully.
How are you?
Today, I'm tired. My tired is so full of emotions, I'd be choosing from every color on the feelings wheel. Did you know those existed? They're fun. Sort of.
My tired is full of confusion, anger, disappointment, joy, excited, scared, content, annoyed, lazy, busy, accomplished, shocked, surprised, sad, happy, worried, and proud. Wow. Maybe I'm feeling a little bi-polar as well. Ha! I know that's not something to joke about but how can I be feeling so many different feelings. Call it that I'm a woman? Or maybe because I'm a mom? A mom of loss? Or maybe, just maybe that's life.
Let's start with anger because this is a safe place, right, & anger is a scary one to talk about. I'm angry at my loss. I've officially entered the scary stage of grief & it's been a weird road to walk. I keep getting stuck on why and why couldn't you....
God, why couldn't you just save them? Why couldn't you just let the patch work or at least given me two more weeks to help Grady fight? Why did you chose me for this story? Why did you chose this story for me? Why would you surprise me with twins just to take them away?
Then the why turns to self-doubt. Was I not good enough? Could I not have handled it? Maybe he thought I wasn't ready. I must stink at this whole mom thing.
So ride this roller coaster with me a little while longer & let's meet my disappointment.
I'm disappointed in my parenting. I joined the summer bucket list crew with high hopes, then work kicked in, the house got messy, the kids got bored & the yelling began. Every day I start with joy & end with regret. Why didn't I play just a little longer? Why didn't I just stop, bend down & listen? Oh gosh, I'm ruining them.
But let's jump to the other ride & meet my accomplishment! Oh hello Pilates class! I FINALLY worked out! I know I'm a size two but let me tell you, I'm far from healthy. What's the point of being skinny if you can't even enjoy the skin you're in? It's all about health & I'm not healthy. I treat my body like Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory & a corner Starbucks. Yuck. But finally, I felt the burn & gave myself grace when my I couldn't reach the floor while stretching. The cramps hurt so good & I am longing for more!
Let's keep going with positive.... I'm surprised. Now let's let this be a little lesson for all, especially my quick tongue. I asked nick to help me make Coh's bed. I know this is a task I can handle myself but all you moms know it feels better not doing a job all by your lonesome. So as he was putting on the sheets the corners weren't matching right. I kept telling him he was doing it wrong & my frustration grew. Then it hit me. I had out the top left corner on the right corner. Oops, it's my fault. I laughed but maybe I should have apologized, but while this was playing out Nick shared with me that he looked at the boys' photo. Let's back up a bit. No one has seen the boys but Shannon, myself, & our friend looked at their photos. Well, wait, a couple of mom's that have lost have seen them as well. I'm hurt that that's as far as its gone bc there is nothing wrong with their beautiful faces. But finally, the one person that means the most to me finally looked. And he grieved. I'm surprised but feel so much better. They are real. Not only to me now, but to him as well. He can put a face to their names & I'm left feeling happy.
Now I could keep going on with my list of emotions but I'm afraid you'll start charging for therapy & I could use some stories for ReGroup. ;)
But let's rest on this, your story matters & there are people willing to listen. Speak up. Free your heart. Be vulnerable. Be brave. We all will sit upon a feeling on the feeling wheel time to time so why must we ride it alone? We don't. I'm here. Your friends are here. You spouse is here. God, God is here.
So, how are you?