August 12th. August 12, 2015. How did we get here? And so quickly?
Today, one year ago I was sitting in an ultrasound room by myself texting pictures of my twins to my sister-in-law & telling my husband that everything was going perfectly. I stared at their pictures in awe of God's creation. These boys were a surprise to me and most definitely two of the best gifts. This was my third pregnancy so you'd think I was used to the amazing feeling of being able to carry a baby, but there's just something spectacular about having two in there vs. one. It's a feeling I still can't wrap my head around, and a feeling I never want to let go of.
A year ago today we were diagnosed with TTTS, Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. The one thing you pray you never get when pregnant with Identical Twins. I remember feeling alone, afraid, lost, and powerless. I remember being angry and confused.
A year ago today my whole world changed.
On Monday I began my journey with GriefShare at Northland. I attended GriefShare a couple of times last fall following the loss of our twins but it was more than my heart could handle. The anxiety overtook any chance of hope and restoration in my heart and I needed to step away. The past couple of weeks grief has crept back into my life, and we all know it's because the boys' first birthday is right around the corner. Not to mention, I've never dealt with my grief. I mean who would actually want to go through it?
Monday I finally decided that it is my time to actually go through the grief. There's so much to grief that this world doesn't understand.
1. Everyone thinks it's temporary and time will heal. False. No two single people go through the same grief journey and time doesn't heal. It may get easier with time, but that doesn't mean that there are days when a mother realizes she's not going to get that mother/son dance at her son's wedding, or a father realizes it's back to school week and he won't be taking his son to school again, or a daughter won't be able to wish her mother a Happy Mother's Day again, because they are all gone. Time does not heal. But God does.
2. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them. Certainly, not every mother will experience the loss of a child, but she may experience a loss of a spouse, friend, parent, sibling, etc. We will ALL go through a loss at some point in our lives. It's inevitable. So when someone is going through a period of grief, why not extend a hand and some grace because unfortunately, we will all go through it.
So, why don't you take a walk with me? I'm going to be journaling, or blogging if you will, my journey through grief & GriefShare. I'm laying my heart out on the line in hope that one day when you or someone close to you goes through this journey, you won't feel alone.
Monday, August 10, 2015 - First Day of GriefShare
I walked into the room feeling strong. I'd been in these chairs before and I'm almost a year out from the loss of my sons. I thought, "I can do this."
The room was filled. You couldn't even begin to imagine how many joined the "club" that no one wants to be a part of. I looked around the room trying to remember faces and pray for peace for all.
Then it began and so did the tears. I went to grab a tissue to wipe my eyes and would you believe if I told you that the tissue box had two birds on it. I was amazed at God's promises. He's always there.
Monday was a day for going through housekeeping and introductions. Although I didn't have time to tell my story, I felt it unfold all over again before my eyes. I saw each day replay in my head, each loss, and I couldn't keep it together.
So let's start this journey with an introduction:
It all started with a pregnancy test. A clear positive sign that scared me more than you could imagine. We hadn't been planning a pregnancy, let a lone one with twins. We found out so early because my HCG levels were sky high due to the fact that I was carrying twins. I'm a mom of four, but I have only two living children. I have had three pregnancies, four deliveries, a five year old who thinks he's 18 years old, a two year old who thinks she's the boss, and twin boys who are in heaven. On August 12th we were diagnosed with TTTS, we had surgery on August 22 and our water ruptured for our Twin A on August 23rd. Although, surgery was successful and we beat the odds of TTTS, surgery lead us into a new realm of fear, PPROM, Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. We were given two Amnio Patches (one failed and one worked), and on September 7th I said goodbye to Ryder Dylan Dail. After a week of antibiotics I went into Preterm Labor on September 19th due to my placenta rupturing and infection from PPROM. Grady Dean Dail lived for three hours before joining his little brother. I am a mother of four with a broken heart. Some have asked if it's getting better and to that I can only answer with it's a roller coaster that I pray no one has to jump on, although I know my prayers will never prevent that. Am I functioning and finding happiness in my days, yes of course, my life is a blessing within itself, but am I done grieving, no. I've just begun.
Take a walk with me.