Today my Facebook decided to remind me what I wrote a year ago. Some days I like the memories and other's are just plain crushing. Sometimes it's great to look back and reminisce on the days that lie behind you but it's also good to just keep looking forward. Although in grief I think we need to look back in order to move forward and to not get stuck.
August 27th, 2014 -
"God gets all the glory!!!!! All you need is that tiny bit of faith for miracles to work!! Oh, I pray, everyone experiences the closeness that I have with Him!!!"
Ouch. You'd think this would be a positive reminder, a glimpse of encouragement, that little push I needed to get back to that place with Him but, ouch.
August 27th of 2014 was when we thought my second Amnio Patch was working. Actually, to this day we now know that it, in fact, DID work, but I'm sitting on a couch listening to my washer run, baby(ies)-less.
I should be juggling two twins right now, and instead, it's a Thursday, my meeting was canceled, my husband is asleep since he worked all night, my oldest is at school and my youngest is at school. There are no twins to juggle, and I have some sort of "free time" because I had the house to myself last night which allowed me to catch up on work.
Last year I had witnessed Jesus with my own two eyes, and I had full faith in him. I knew without a doubt that he could work miracles. Today, I'm working so hard to get back to that point in our relationship where I can say, "I trust you, God."
Have you ever been let down by God? Have you ever been so angry at him that you found yourself driving down I4 screaming on top of your lungs begging to know WHY? Have you ever felt so alone and so distant from him that your heart literally ached? Did you ever feel like you were too far gone to be able to get to that point of being close with him again? Maybe you're there today, but keep reading friends.
I'm not in a place where I could write that status again today, but I'm certainly not still driving down I4 crying and screaming at God because he let me down. I've learned that it's not He who has let me down but in fact, I'm let down by my expectations.
Expectations get me in trouble more times than I'll be willing to admit. I place expectations on my husband, my children, my friends, my family, my career, my grief, and yes, on my God. I look at the picture I've painted in my head and think, "This is the way it needs to be."
My husband NEEDS to meet all my needs, regardless if I meet his. My children better listen to me. My friends better be there for me even if I'm failing in this two-way street and I forget to text/call them back. My family better grieve the same way I do or else they really never cared. I better get through this grief so I can get back to life and be Jenna again. And God, oh God. God better save my twins because these are infants we are talking about. Why wouldn't he? And...... He didn't.
Look at each expectation I've placed on the list. Wow. Want to talk about needing to change and be redeemed. I need to be washed of these thoughts, and I need a washing ASAP.
Expectations leave me feeling unworthy, unforgiven, insecure, alone, sad, lost, confused, angry, and most of all, let down.
But the only person letting me down is ME.
I need to be lifting my husband up. I need to set the example for my children. If I expect them to extend me grace then I sure as heck better be giving it in return. If I want my friends to be lifelong friends, oh boy I need to let go of these expectations that I've placed ever-so-not-gently on our friendship. It is a two-way street and grief is not a good excuse. I need to extend grace to my family because they are grieving in their own way. They are not Grady & Ryder's mother so why would they grieve as though they were? That's for you and you alone, Jenna. And grief, my dear friend. I know, there's no right or wrong way, so you and I will just hang out a little longer. And God.....
Oh God, here is where I write my letter to you. I'm sorry. I desperately need your fire to burn in me again. I know it was not you that let me down, but the expectation that I placed on you. I know my children are in better hands with you Lord, but my selfishness is kicking in and all I want is to be their mother. I want to hear them crying and laughing. I want to kiss their skin again, and I need to remember that since I'm not able to do that here on Earth, I do not need to blame you. You have carried me thus far, and for that, I need to thank you vs. curse you. Lord, please forgive me. Extend grace when I cannot. Change my vision when I cannot. Guide my path and open my heart. Allow me to live out the purpose that you have placed on my heart. Push me when I want to give up. Show me a glimpse of the other side so that I do not forget what I'm working towards. Please take away all my earthly desires so that I come back to you. All I want is you. Change me. Work in me. Forgive me. I am sorry that I've placed these expectations on what you as my God should do vs. what I as your child should do. This letter is to you God. And I will say that a year later, I do still, in fact, admit that it is you who gets the glory. Always and forever.
Friends, do you have an expectation that you've been holding onto? Do you see things going a certain way and they end up not? Did you lose your little bit of faith because it was "God" who let you down? Sit. Listen. And pray for a changing in your heart. Know that it is not our job to place an expectation on our God but ourselves. His plan is perfect, and we are not. Thank God for God.
Let's work together to get back to a point where we believe in miracles again regardless of what we measure to be a miracle. His miracles happen daily, and we just need to pray for our eyes and hearts to be open so that we don't miss them.
Let's let go of these silly expectations so that we can start living out the purposes that He's created for each of us. We can do this. You can do this.