I know it's been a while, but I decided to take some time. This past month had left me feeling exhausted, beat up, and well, lost. I needed to take some time from all activities to just renew, refresh, and gather my millions of pieces. Not to mention I've had some pretty amazing BIG things happen for my business, so that took a lot of me as well.
I actually took some time from GriefShare the past two weeks to rest. I just couldn't wrap my mind around my grief, and the fresh air was nice. No demands, no pressure. I allowed myself to be just that, myself.
September 19th was the boys' First Birthday. This day was filled with so many great memories that I'll treasure forever. I had my people show up, and I still can't thank God enough for bringing them to me.
The Friday prior to their birthday, I set up all the decorations. I did this alone because I needed it to be exactly what I wanted, and I needed my space. Let me tell you, setting up a birthday party for babies that won't actually attend is sort of a slap in the face and bittersweet. I kept picturing them sitting in the high chairs, rolls and all, waiting for their Mama to bring their beautifully decorated cake to smash, giggles and all. But instead, I had two banners that read, "Grady & Ryder" and a single cake to share with friends. No babies, no giggles, no rolls to squeeze, no cheeks to kiss. Just a table full of decorations and an empty heart.
Friday was hard.
I woke up Saturday and rushed out of the house to get my Coh to soccer. I sat in my chair and looked at Facebook. My friend Shayna wrote a post about our four boys and I lost it, right there, in the middle of all the Oviedo YMCA Soccer players. Thank goodness for sunglasses.
It took everything not to cancel the party. My anxiety was through the roof and I just longed for isolation and my bed. But God whispered, "Carry on..."
I came home and one by one my friends showed up, each wearing blue, gifts, flowers and food in hands, and their little ones to enjoy a Mommy & Me day. They hugged, helped, and loved on me.
They showed up. God showed up, and I carried on.
This day got me thinking about purpose. God has given each of us a purpose. A purpose that is greater than ourselves, and a purpose for HIS good. These girls had a purpose for my healing that Saturday.
Lately, I've been feeling him tugging at my heart to find purpose in our boys' lives and in mine. I've been struggling with some things that have been hard to let go of and the haunting expectations that I've placed on others and myself.
My prayers lately have been sounding like, "Okay, I'm ready for change, let's do this," and ending with, "Okay I'm totally confused and have no idea what you want from me!"
But today, today he spoke.
My purpose is beyond me. It's beyond my worthiness as a person. How can his Kingdom grow because of me?
It's not through this house that I slave to or this new budget I've been focusing so hard on.
"Building anything with lasting value takes time and work."
Our Pastor said this today and it struck a nerve. What is it that I've been trying to build? If I can be honest here, I've been working on me. But with only me in mind. When I live a life with only my best interest in mind where does that get me? Isolated, alone, and still striving for more. I'll never be satisfied. But when I strive to build a life based on Him, that's when I'm doing it right.
Us Mama's and Wives have a tough job. We are working so hard for those we love, yet sometimes we can lose the purpose to it all. We focus on the planner and its to-do's. We focus on deadlines, piles of laundry, the food, the quiet times, the loud and the mess. Do we ever stop and ask, "What are we trying to build through our Marriage and our Parenting?"
I'm not teaching my kids anything through slaving to my chores or just getting them from point A to point B. I'm not bringing my husband any closer to God just by grocery shopping for him or telling him my long list of to-dos as an excuse as to why I can't give some attention to him.