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lies & such.

November 16, 2015

There are days when I question it all.

 

Am I doing it right? Am I failing? Am I excelling? Am I all they need? Am I all that He dreamt me to be?

And then there are days at Summit Church when I'm reminded, I am exactly who He created. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am all that He dreamt me to be.

 

Lately, Satan has been telling me lies, and I didn't realize it until Zach spoke last night. God has been nudging me, but I kept going in the same direction, finding excuses and walking away.

 

Community used to be my saving grace. It was where I actually found Jesus and began to trust God. I used to surround myself with other moms who believed, and through their faith, mine formed.

 

I kicked Fall off with goals and all good intentions planned, only to realize that I've been believing the lie and finding myself further from God than I had hoped to be.

 

In August, I quit all my mom groups, my bible study, ReGroup and I joined GriefShare. My goal was to focus on my grief, go through my grief, and rebuild my new normal. But somewhere along the way, I've lost myself, again.

 

I'm not sure if it's been the toll of grief, the workload, the new elementary school journey, the having a husband that now worked 12-hour night shifts journey, or just plain laziness, but I've grown tired, disconnected, and isolated. This is not the doing of anyone else, but my own self. I've grown to love isolation, and there's been a fear surrounding the thought of being in community and surrounded by others.

 

I've skipped quite a few GriefShare's for two reasons, A. I've been wanting to spend more time with Nick when I got the chance and B. I'm tired. I've skipped some play dates that I really should have had because I'm tired. I've missed opportunities to reach out to new friends because I'm tired. I've lost the drive to write because I'm tired. I've missed church because I'm tired.

 

"God would prefer that I rest rather than connect, so I'm going to do just that." {lies & such}

Yesterday, we had planned on going to church in the evening, and once 4:30 pm rolled around I became "tired." We all had been on edge all day due to stresses of buying a new home and lack of play time, so Nick offered a suggestion of taking a family walk around the lake. Once we began to walk God nudge me again. Instantly I said that we really should go to church. I ran home, grabbed the car, and I picked them up at the lake.

 

And wouldn't you know, Zach began to speak and God nudged, only this time He pushed a little harder and began to show me my own heart before my eyes.

 

Lies upon lies and such.

 

Satan has been working so hard at making me feel tired that he's torn me away from all the community my heart needs to be closer to God. How can God love me if I'm hiding away behind emails in my office, rather than being surrounded by His community and His word?

 

"If a doctor told you that you had cancer, you'd beg for surgery that day to get rid of it. So if sin were a cancer, why wouldn't you beg to get rid of it as quickly?" Our family and friends are the best to speak truth into our lives, and if they're telling me that I'm working too much or I'm isolating myself, wouldn't I want to make a change and like now!?

 

I believed the lies and I pulled myself further away from the one thing my heart truly needs.

Community.

 

I stopped Friday Mom's, Bible Study, GriefShare.... play dates, regular church, etc. Satan has been pulling me away and I've had no idea.

 

Sometimes we can find ourselves doing it all correctly, going to church every Sunday, reading our Bible, tithing, being in community, etc. but our hearts can be misplaced as we check off our "to-do lists" as Christians. Sometimes we can find ourselves so tired in a season that we feel God really just wants us to be alone, and although we enjoy it, we find that our hearts are misplaced as we rest. When was the last time you took a moment to examine your heart?

 

Last night mine was exposed but for all the good reasons.

 

I cannot let the lie win. I cannot afford to lose my community and/or God's word. I cannot be lost from His sight. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am redeemed.

 

I am all that He dreamed me to be.

 

 

 

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