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jesus.

January 6, 2016

 

 

 

I remember sitting with the hot fire burning, kids playing and cuddling my husband as the word crossed my mind. I was trying to think of my word for the year 2015, and it came so clearly and I longed to grasp hold of it. I wanted it. I craved it. I obsessed over it and I prayed for it.

 

I entered 2015 with anxiety in my heart but {Peace} on my mind.

 

When you battle anxiety, everything, including the small things, feel large, loud and uncontrollable. You become swallowed with fear and even the quietest room sounds like a screaming metallic band concert.

Peace to the anxious heart is like a drug. You close your eyes and imagine a meadow, cool breeze on your face and only the sound of the wind blowing through the plants. Or maybe your peace is found in an empty hotel room, with no pressures of cleaning, tending or moving. Maybe your peace is in worship, hands strung up to the sky, knees on the ground and your mind is focused only on the beat that vibrates through your fingers. Peace. Whatever it may be, it's addicting, yet it could be deceiving.

 

Peace became a false God to me in 2015. I was striving for perfection, masked with the name peace, and I failed every time. Peace left me feeling empty because when you're a mom of four, two screaming and two missing, a business owner and a wife, the perfection in peace is unreachable and leaves you feeling like you missed the mark. Every. Single. Time.

 

My word became my god and my God never gave up on me and taught me the true meaning of my word. Half way through 2015, the fog lifted, the noises stopped, and peace soon came to me in the form of truth, wisdom and a whole new love for myself. Peace was no longer a quiet perfect life, but rather a messy, loud, LOVED life.

 

 And now, as I enter 2016, all I can think about is {Balance}, but do not let balance confuse you for perfection again. The balance I long for is not perfect at all, but rather an okay-ness that I may not have it all together but rather knowing that I have it all.

 

There are a few areas in my life that I'm longing for balance

  • Balance in being God's girl and Nick's girl

  • Balance in being a Stay at Home Mom and a Work at Home Mom

  • Balance in being neat & tidy among the mess

  • Balance in loving my isolation but finding the joy in breaking bread

  • Balance in my goals and God's purpose

  • Balance in my loving on people yet not pleasing them

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Balance y'all! Look past the tiny square.)

 

 

 

"The music begins to play and I feel a tingling in my arms. The beating in my heart slows and a calmness takes over my body. I sway from side to side and I feel His cool embrace. It's freeing and just what I need. I can't help but sing. I can't help but cry."

 

As I entered my church home this past Sunday, I walked in focusing on the new year and immediately this was the feeling I got. All of my own thoughts faded into the distance and soon my heart was filled with His words.

 

We are studying the book of Revelation and our Pastor began to teach us about those that basically changed the church. They faced their trials with a smile and others wanted what they had. They were dying yet smiling because they lived for Jesus and were going to Jesus. Christians were dying, yet Christianity as a whole was growing. This thought has me pondering, imagining and yet again, I'm hopeful.

I chose balance as my word for 2016, but I know in my heart that God has chosen another word for me. It's a simple word yet so complex in it's entirety. Jesus. Jesus.

 

Y'all, I can't have balance, peace, less, more, etc. without Jesus, so why do I keep focusing on those and forgetting the one true resolution? I could build a list that pleases me, to lose weight, to create more, to be a better mom, to be an encouraging wife, to grow my business, to take care of my friends better, etc., but by being so focused on my list I'm actually missing out the list that was already designed for me.

"I am the first and the last."

 

Yet He's never even a bullet point on my list. Never.

 

My list has become about me and has lost sight of Him.

 

My life is Him, therefore my word is Him.

 

If I could take some time to build a list where Jesus is the first and the last, then I know in my heart the middle will be wrapped around His goodness.

 

My purpose here on Earth is beyond me. I'm not found worthy in how well I love, how skinny I am, how many weddings I plan, how balanced my life is and how amazing my marriage is. I was deemed worthy at my creation and at His death. I was deemed worthy at my first cry and I will be deemed worthy at my last breath. The truth is, I could create a list over and over again that makes me feel worthy, especially if I'm able to check through it by the end of the year, but if that's what I'm living my life for, a list, then I'm missing the point, I'm missing His goal.

 

If I spend my entire life praising God, and in the end all I get is Him - then I win.

 

I left church that Sunday with a whole new insight as to how I'm going to live out 2016. Yes, I'll keep praying for balance but balance will not define me. Jesus will. Jesus has. Jesus always will.

 

Friends, I pray that in 2016 Jesus becomes more than our help to get through our lists and becomes the list itself. I pray that he becomes our everything. I pray that we long to grasp hold of it. I pray we want it, crave it, obsessed over it and pray for it.

 

Jesus.

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