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a slow dance worth having.

March 16, 2016

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loss has been hitting me hard lately. From receiving emails of Mama's who had to say goodbye to their precious newborns, to watching my best friend go through the loss of her Mom, loss has been weighing on my heart and it's brought me here, writing again.

 

I've been asked lately how I am doing, and I cannot respond with anything other than, "Good." Literally good. My heart has been content, missing and longing, but in a place of peace, wrapped tightly with God's love and promise. I've been smiling more, the fog has been lifted and I actually laugh all the time. I'm remembering things, I'm more organized & I'm actually taking care of ME.

 

Friday, my daughter was having an absolute tantrum, and I kept asking her to go to the couch and rest it off. She kept saying, "But I want YOU!" So finally, I gave in to my to-do list, placed it aside and picked her up. We began to slow dance to the Pandora Station, Mumford of course, and she grasped tighter to my neck. I couldn't help but hold back the tears. All I kept picturing was my best friend, being held by her mama when she was two. I kept picturing the mama's that do not have any other children, longing for a moment just like this. And I kept picturing Grady and Ryder, longing for their tears to soak my shoulder while we slow danced around the house, or dare I say it, their wedding.

 

Maddie Lu quickly jumped up and said, "I'm happy Mom," and climbed down from my arms and ran off with a smile on her face. I was left there speechless.

 

Being a mom means so much to me. If you asked me what my calling in life was, Mom would be it. Yeah, I enjoy all the other adventures that have come along in my life, but Mom is where my heart lies and Mom is who I am. Now don't get me wrong, I'm messing up miserably when it comes to nailing down picture day outfits, yes, I've forgotten BOTH of their picture days, leaving them in T-shirts and looking like a hot mess, and I yell more than you could guess, BUT I'm winning in other aspects. I love this role more than I could ever explain, and I'm a pretty good slow dancer and great at making my daughter happy.

 

I just can't wrap my head around loss, though. That one day it all comes to an end. I mean, yes, Heaven. Yes, forgiveness, but there is a time we all say goodbye, waiting and longing for that hello again. Loss for you today may be a little different, as we all will go through some sort of loss in our lives, and I'm not just talking about death. Loss for you may be a friendship that ended, a divorce, a loss in trust or even a loss of love or worthiness in yourself. It all has come to an end and you've said goodbye, waiting and longing for that hello again.

 

Today, I'm praying for you and your loss. Whether it was a loved one or even yourself, I'm praying that God meets you right where you're at, and He wraps you with His love and peace so that you feel comforted and whole again. I'm praying for your heart as it longs for that first dance with your baby or even a last dance with your mama. I'm praying for your heart as it misses your marriage. I'm praying for your heart as it misses that friendship. And I'm praying for your heart as you look in the mirror. May God meet you there, right now.

 

As I sit here and focus on the {end} that is inevitable, let's not lose sight of the promise that is proclaimed. The hello will come again. Whether it be in Heaven and it's the moment where you see your baby running to you, giggling, smiling and whole or your mama telling you that she's been waiting for you, a moment when you look in the mirror and you finally love what you see again, or may it be a moment where you tell your friend I'm sorry and I forgive you, the hello will come again and the peace will fill your heart.

 

Today I'm praying for your "Good." May the time come where you're asked how you're doing and all you can respond with is, "Good," because you are. May your heart be content, at peace, the fog be lifted and your laughs be loud. May God wrap you tightly and slow dance with you so that you can be brought to the moment of jumping up and say, "I'm happy Dad." May it be so. Amen.

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