Who knew a piece of paper could make my heart turn an 180, from light, happy & grateful, to a ball full of darkness leaving me wanting to pick up the phone and say all the mean and hurtful things that' would bring them down to the level of hurt that I currently feel. I look up to the sky, and ask, "Really God,"
laughing in between because I know it wasn't His doing so but truthfully the act of Satan himself. Satan knows a happy and healthy heart and he despises it, loathes it & will do anything in his power to crumble it into pieces so he can look up and say, "Ha, gotcha again!"
And then my God speaks. He soothes, He mends & He heals. Piece by piece. He repeats in my ear TRUTHS, especially the ones that are hard to hear.
"You are worthy. You are being bitter but you are worthy. You, my child, are loved and you need to trust me on that truth alone. The thoughts you are thinking are not truth. They are not my truth. You are hurt and that is okay, I am too, but I can heal these hurts and make you whole again. Those nasty words you want to say, they will only make you feel worse, but I, I can make you feel whole again. You matter. This matters. And I, I will love you no matter what. You are worthy."
Let's talk about bitterness. First, let me start off with I'm not one to preach because I too am broken and I too am not perfect, but I'm trying to change & pray you'll join me in this shift. Yes, I get bitter time to time, and bitterness has swallowed my heart whole, especially today. Today, I've carried bitterness with a ribbon of anger tied in a perfect bow to remind me of all the faults, hurts, and downfalls; The things that make me tear apart and become undone.
adjective, bitterer, bitterest.
1. having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine, wormwood, or aloes.
2. producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt.
3. hard to bear; grievous; distressful:
a bitter sorrow.
4. causing pain; piercing; stinging:
a bitter chill.
5. characterized by intense antagonism or hostility:
6. hard to admit or accept:
a bitter lesson.
7. resentful or cynical:
Look at these words that define the word bitter. Harsh, hard to bear, piercing, hostility, resentful - all words that are the complete opposite of what our God wants us to feel and act upon - Gentle, forgiving, free, light, graceful, merciful- so why is that we, time to time, feel this unbearable sensation full of hostility that makes us either want to run wild or quite frankly, run away.
Do you know how many relationships are ended because of bitterness alone? I can only imagine. I can only tell from my experience, and I've come to the realization that bitter is not a place to stay. It ends up hurting you more than the person and/or thing you're feeling bitter towards. Quite frankly, they don't even have a clue most of the time how you feel (or even care), and although that hurts more than anything, the oblivion of a person that you once thought that cared, it's also a good thing they do not know and a God thing that they do not know. God places walls between people at times because He's our protector. He can foresee where bitter can take us, and He puts His hands up and says, "Stop. Do not say a word and turn around. This wall has been built for both of you, for your hearts, and I'm going to protect you all. Always."
Now who is to say this wall will last forever, and sometimes it does, but that's not for us to decide. He knows our hearts, even the bitter ones, and He knows how to change them from darkness to light. From unbearable to calm. From undone to whole. From resentful to forgiven.
"Peace, joy, contentment and fulfillment are not dependent on circumstances or people, but on beholding God."
- Darien B. Cooper
So where do we go when our hearts have become undone based on a simple piece of paper and/or circumstance? We stop. We do not say a word and we turn around. And as our bodies turn and eyes shift focus, He's standing there speaking truth, building a wall, mending, healing and shifting what seemed to be unbearable to a new outlook, a lesson and a promise.
"You matter. This matters. And I, I will love you no matter what. You are worthy."