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time away & such a thing called hope.

July 13, 2016

Heart racing, nerves quivering and a sweet whisper from God himself, I pushed "Deactivate" and immediately felt a sense of relief. For once in my life I didn't feel the pressures of having to share,

 

measure up, "fit in" or prove myself. For once in my life, I didn't have to people please or dismiss my own feelings. For once in my life, I could "fall off the face of the earth" and feel freedom in my hiding. And let me tell you, my soul needed every minute of it. "I just deleted my Facebook," I said to my two new friends as we drove home from the Pursuit Conference.

 

I'm a sharer. Unlike my sister and a few close friends of mine, I like to post and share all the in's and out's to my life, whether light or heavy, my stories were yours to read. And I liked it that way. I truly enjoyed welcoming you into my life because I do feel my life is worthy of sharing. Yes, some days are full of complete mess, hurting, yelling, a crazy dog and busy schedules but I've learned to find the joy in all that, and I truly believe {joy} is worth sharing.

 

At the Pursuit Conference in April, multiple speakers touched base on the pressures of social media. You know, the one's filled with pretty white squares, perfectly styled desks, homes, and events and let's not even get started on all the romantic love stories posted within the captains that leave you feeling as though your marriage will never measure up. As each Blogger and Business Owner shared how their hearts were hurting behind each post they created, I couldn't help but agree. I mean yes, I too style bright white photos for my business and personal accounts but that doesn't mean there wasn't a whole lot of other junk going on inches beyond that square. I too was hurting as I hit "post."

 

Almost two years ago I faced the unimaginable. Two years ago today I was naive to what life was really about and God knew He had to remix some of my comfort zones and shake me to my core in order to bring me back to Him. I labored two babies into this world and immediately had to say goodbye, and it wasn't even twenty-four hours after their birth that everything I was doing wrong was brought to the surface. God gently displayed my hurts, habits, and hangups in front of my torn heart and nudged me into a direction full of healing and restoration.

 

During His time of healing I found myself within the deepest parts of the wilderness and while I was there I would scroll through my feed and allow the voices to speak untruths into my heart. "They're judging you. You failed. Why did you just write that? Are you sure you should share that? Look! You don't fit in with them! Oh yeah, no one cares."

 

And time after time, God would whisper between each lie I told myself, telling me to disappear and focus solely on His voice. But I fought and hid from Him instead.

 

Little did I know that God was already paving my path through the wilderness, even as I kept ignoring Him, that would lead me to the other side. And that's where I found myself as I walked through Pursuit with an open heart and open ears. I finally listened to Him and I could hear CLEARLY just what He wanted me to do and not only did I hear Him but I was no longer afraid to do just what He asked.

 

He revealed to me that I was sharing my story for the wrong reasons and I was focusing on the wrong part of the story. He revealed to me that instead of focusing on what others thought about the story or repeatedly sharing the hurts found within each line, I needed to be sharing the healing, the peace and the comfort that was strung across each page. There's a healing in this story. There's a hope in this story. There's a calming like no other within this story and I'm ready to share it {for the right reasons}.

 

This isn't about me. Yes, I'm the one that lost her sons, yes I'm the one in four and yes I'm the one that tried to make it about me, but as God brought me to my knees yelling, "They are yours, I release them to you," He revealed that this story is for you.

 

Maybe you too are feeling the pressures as you scroll through your feed wondering if you'll ever be that great of a mom or you're staring at your rental house feeling unworthy of that gorgeous professionally decorated home that your favorite blogger just posted, maybe you too are judging your self-worth based on who liked your photo, or maybe you're stumbling through the wilderness wondering if there really is such a thing called hope to be found amidst the pain and I'm here to tell you there is. God is paving your way through the wilderness and He's bringing you to the other side.

 

It took me to take some time away to find such a thing called hope even though it's been there all along. I just had to mute the lies so the truths could be heard. I found hope within the flooding text messages asking me if I was okay as friends realized I was no longer on Facebook. I found hope when I was forced to face-to-face interaction vs. a simple like on a photo. I found hope in the moments spent with my children without a screen in my face. I found hope in a slow-paced heart that once felt like it was running a marathon full of anxiety. And I found the hope within my story that has encouraged me to share God's promise and HEALING.

 

Two years ago He shook my core so that I could share with you that He restores and He never gives up.

 

You may feel lost, confused, unworthy, but you have a God paving a way for you, splitting the sea for you and covering you until you're brought back to Him; To safety.

 

Take some time away and you too will find such a thing called hope.

 

Exodus 14: 13-14

Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation for you today. Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again.

God will fight the battle for you.

 

 

 

 

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