"How are you doing," she asked. My heart ached a bit reading her text, feeling the mixed emotions of guilt for not being the best friend I should be & relief to know someone will always be there to check on me.
I tend to go quiet when the grief hurts the most. Sometimes it's too much to swallow, so my daily tasks and to-dos are the only things this heart of mine can master. But I've learned that's okay and God will pick up the pieces when I cannot.
I've also learned that if He wants you to focus on your grief or hard season, and really hear His wisdom & love in it all, He will nudge the hearts of others to do the work for Him to pull you out of the silence & into the real work. I know in my heart He enjoys my quiet days because I can hear Him clearly, but He also knows when I'm hiding from the very thing He wants me to face. So instead of letting me hide beneath the surface, He uses friends, family & other Mamas to give me the push.
Oh, sweet Father. What did I ever do to deserve you?
I remember a time when I asked you what I did to deserve this; A torn heart ripped to pieces & an empty dream unfulfilled. I remember screaming at you with anger spilling over the brim & the anxiety of feeling unworthy of four children, twins, swallowed me whole.
And now, two years later I've learned the question isn't why do I deserve this but rather, why do I deserve you.
Friend, is it too much to bear? Are you hiding beneath the surface because your daily to-dos are more than your heart can take, let alone allowing yourself to face the season you're truly in?
Do you feel God tugging at your heart through those around you? Is He calling your name? Can you hear Him?
I know what you're walking through is hard. I know asking your husband for a separation is more than you're already shattered heart can handle, or that negative pregnancy test or second baby loss, has you feeling like curling into a ball under the covers where the world "can't" get to you. I know the moment your child takes her first steps & all you long for is for you mom to still be here to celebrate with you makes you fall apart but you don't allow it to because you've got a full schedule that demands a strong heart. I know. I know what you're walking through is hard. I know when the flashbacks of the NICU flash through your eyes & it takes everything not to fall deep into fear of what if you lost him. I know.
But hear me out.
When a friend sends a text asking 'How are you doing,' know that God is using her as His guide to bring you back to Him. He may even send you a note from one of your old journals or maybe a lyric in a worship song calling you in closer. Take the bait and follow His guide. It will hurt. It will bring back all the deepest darkest moments you never wished to encounter again, but it will also bring you to Him. Go to Him.