As I walked up to him and reached for his backpack, tears swelled up in his eyes. I'll never forget the look he gave me and heartache I felt in that moment. I grabbed his backpack and lowered myself to his eye level asking what was wrong. He broke down to me saying he couldn't control his anger and he hit a friend at school. He said his friend was in his space and hanging on him and he just didn't want him touching him. So he hit the kid out of frustration and was so down about it.
I sat for a moment to process my thoughts and then gave him a hug. As much as I wanted to yell and discipline him, I think his heart had already begun to do the dirty work for me. He knew what he did was wrong, and he didn't need me to stomp all over his emotions but I did give a soft whisper explaining a better solution for when our friends are in our space and encouraged him to do better next time.
My heart ached and still aches thinking about this conversation. Our boy has experienced a hard year at school, both through his own doing and the doing of others and while I know that's "life," and we must learn to navigate when the going gets tough, I also know when it's time for a change.
While this circumstance was Cohban's doing and quite honestly normal for a six-year-old, I know that the frustration and anger have been building up inside him as he has been knocked down a few times emotionally, and my heart literally breaks for him and all the children that have walked this same journey this year.
As moms, we all have that intuition of when something is just not the right fit for our children or when they simply need to take a step back. We've reached that point and I'm ready for my little one to enjoy his years of being simply that: little.
All children are different and isn't that the coolest thing! Cohban and Maddie Lu are complete opposites. I sit back and watch them and I'm so amazed at God's creation. He creates each of us with different strengths, gifts and purposes, and I used to think there was only one path we could take, the path I only know. But after lots of thought and feeling God tug on my heart and say, "He's different than you and that's okay," I've come to realize my path may not be the same as the one he needs.
I prayed over this over and over again and kept coming back to the same result. God had placed people in my path that kept saying "homeschool," or I would pull up a blog and there it was again. I literally texted a friend who homeschools, asking her if I had lost my mind and she eased me with an invite to chat at her house and hear all the in's and out's to this new journey. I left feeling a tad bit overwhelmed but overall I was full with peace in my heart. And everything I feared about how we could actually make this happen, God provided in ways I could never begin to explain. I have goosebumps again thinking of how He answered some big prayers to make this come to light.
I read recently 10 things that are hard when it comes to homeschooling and one of the top ten was feeling the need to explain to others the why behind your decision. I struggle with this because I'm naturally a people pleaser and I love when everyone agrees with my decision but this is one that is hard to explain or find encouragement from those on the outside looking in.
While I could sit here and list all the why's and how I think this will help our son, I think it'd be better to share the joy and excitement I feel in knowing that I get to have a part in my son's school journey (whether it's only for a year or all the way to college), having the opportunity to spend quality time with him (his love language - win!), have fun by teaching topics he longs to learn and put the heart of Jesus back into his education (one the things I miss most about his VPK Education).
Going into this new journey I know it's all about grace, for both he and myself, and all about being open to where it take us, whether that's to continue this forever or even if we end up back in the Public School System, my heart knows that God has a plan and I'm just letting Him guide us through it.
So while I step off the ledge into the unknown that is homeschool, I know that I won't be journeying this alone and it can only go up from here!
PS. I'm already so grateful to those who have been helping guide us through this new amazing opportunity! YOU ALL ROCK.