We made our way into my garage to see the damage and my sister glanced to my wall full of boxes of baby clothes.
"You're a hoarder," she said.
I stood there, fighting back the tears but I knew there was no going back. They were coming in fast and hard and there was no stopping them.
She turned around and instantly realized the weight I have been carrying. She was joking and I knew that but my heart cannot face the reality. Maybe I am a hoarder. Maybe I am carrying a weight I shouldn't be but what is a mom to do?
You see, we have boxes upon boxes stacked on a wall in my garage that are filled with mostly Cohban's baby clothes and a few that have Maddie Lu's. I've gone through a few boxes to donate to The Color Blue and Hope, in hopes of selling the clothes to raise funds for our Boxes, but I cannot begin to explain how hard that was.
I've come to the realization that it's not about the clothes themselves. These were Cohban's clothes, which means you'd think I'd be upset about Cohban but the reality is these clothes were supposed to be passed down to Grady and Ryder and they never even had a chance of being unpacked. It all happened so fast. I never was given the opportunity to have a maternity shoot with them, decorate their nursery, let alone unpack these clothes and hang in their closet. Instead, I was wheeled out of the hospital, with a single box that carried their belongings and a broken heart.
So when I look at these boxes full of clothes, I see broken dreams and a forever broken heart. I know two more of my children were supposed to wear those clothes but now that won't happen and that reality kills me to my core.
Am I hoarder? Probably. Am I ready to let go? Not sure.
I know in my heart these clothes can make a big difference and help mothers in many ways. They can serve a purpose to mothers who are blessed to have their little boys at home with them while serving a purpose by loving on mothers whose little ones left too soon- like mine. They can serve a much larger purpose than packed in my garage but why is it so hard to part with them?
Will we have more children? YES. I know this in my heart. In God's perfect timing but that doesn't mean these clothes are meant for my family only. But I keep feeling this heavy weight that if I were to give these clothes away, I'd be closing a chapter forever, even if I know in my heart we'll have more. It's weird.
When you don't know what else you can do, let go and let God. There are many areas in my life where I cling tight to what God has told me to let go of, these clothes included. Do you ever find yourself surrounded by mess that you cannot seem to let go of because you keep wishing it wasn't true or by holding tight to these things, you'd feel closer to what you once had lost? Letting go of these clothes does not mean I'm letting go of Grady & Ryder. In fact, letting go of them brings me one step closer to prevailing their purpose in this world - sharing a glimpse of hope to others. That's what they were born to do. Share hope. I wish I could say this was easy. I wish I could say, "Sure, pack them up, sell them off and I'll be okay," but truth is, it hurts me to my core. There were hopes and dreams folded within each shirt, shorts and baby socks. There once was a baby to fill them, to cuddle in them - to dress in them, but now, I must let go and let God do the hard work.
Is there something you're clinging tight to when in fact you should be letting go and letting God? Whatever it may be, take your time, pray over your own heart and hand it over. Let go and let God. It's going to hurt. BAD. But if you let go and let God do the hard work - healing will come. Good will come. Hope, hope will come.