"Pacing back and forth, I stared at the clothes that hung around me. Bright colors caught my eyes but nothing seemed to please them. I grumbled and began pacing again. The walls felt as though they were closing in, and I could hear muffles of laughter and whispers from the outside world that surrounded them. A knock came on the door and my sweet friend asked if I was ready. "No!" I yelled as I scrambled and grabbed whatever piece of clothing I could find. As each piece was placed on my body, anger set in and I quickly stripped them off. They left me disappointed and feeling unworthy. "Nothing fits," I told myself. "What's the use?" But one by one, friends and family kept knocking on the door asking if I was okay.
"Okay? What does that even mean anymore? How could I be okay? Why would I even want to go bowling with a crowd that doesn't even understand what I'm feeling? My world is NOT okay. I can sit here and pretend that these clothes can cover up my broken heart but I can't sit here and pretend my broken heart doesn't exist. I am not okay and truthfully, I'm not up to pretending anymore." Walking to the closet door, I grabbed the handle and encouraged myself to pour it all out there. "I'm not going I yelled," and quickly shut the door before me."
A dream from January 18, 2018
The slamming of the door woke me from what felt like a nightmare. I was dreaming and as I woke, I could feel my heart pounding from the fear of being locked in a closet. A closet of grief, anxiety and this life after loss. Friends of loss would agree that it's a never-ending roller coaster that we are forced to ride the rest of our lives. Good days, bad days, and days that you wish you could erase altogether. But what about those days that never came? You know, the ones that kept you motivated and hopeful. They became the X on the treasure map or the tape at the end of a race. You found yourself running as fast as you could or being strategic to get to the treasure and yet, you fell short, scraped your knee, ripped up the map and never made it to the prize. Your due date never came and now it only poses as a date on a calendar you dread to see. It serves as a reminder that you fell, you failed and couldn't read the map.
Today is that day. My anxiety has been high ever since this dream came to me and I've been purging my house to help supplement the pain. Getting rid of stuff feels freeing from this suffocating press on my heart. But I can't escape the date on the calendar or the numbers on my watch or in my planner. Today is January 22nd, a day my boys didn't get to live to see and a date that reminds me that I fell short. But I'm on a mission to change the weight of today into a miracle, a goal, the prize. What if I change today from "a due date that never came" to a day that "hope prevailed." Hope has always been the X on our treasure map, so why not live that out? Just because the outcome doesn't look like I had hoped, doesn't mean there isn't a fairy tale ending to this race. There are women literally fighting to get to their due date and because of our story, they don't have to do it alone. We are running this race with them, guiding them to their X and seeing them to their prize; their baby. Let's gift them hope on a day that made me think mine was lost, when in fact, it never left me. It never failed me. I never failed me.
Pretty soon, Florida Hospital will be out of Boxes of Hope. They are serving 50 mothers a month, and come February, mothers on bed rest won't have a Box of Hope unless we join hands and make today a day that hope prevailed. We are selling T-Shirts just for that - just for them. Funds from the sale will go towards making January 22nd, a day that hurts to a day that wins the race of Hope.
Maybe my boys didn't reach their due date but they sure are living out their calling and because of that truth, I'm not giving up. I'm brushing off my scraped knees and jumping back in the race. I'm taping the torn map back together and chasing after our X that's full of Hope. I may have fallen but I won't let the fall stop me or fail me. A due date that never came will turn into a day hope prevailed.
PURCHASE "HOPE PREVAILS" HERE