9 weeks. 9 weeks until we meet you, and I cannot help but think this journey has flown by. I've tried to take in every moment by pausing for majority of your sweet kicks, getting lost in your hiccups and relishing in this bond that is you and I. While pregnancy is one of my favorite experiences with you and your brothers and sister, it also holds doubt and fears that has made this journey seem forever long.
Pregnancy after loss is not an easy-go-lucky stroll in the park. Pregnancy with two older children just makes it an even more of a hike, up hill within the rolling thunderstorms and yet, I keep coming back to God's word and promise that after each storm a rainbow of hope will appear. You, my Charley girl, are that hope.
9 weeks until His plans to give us hope after loss comes to fruition, and I'm not quite sure how prepared I am. You know, for those first few moments our eyes meet, your first breath, the touch of your skin against mine - all of this I've longed for ever since those final moments with your older brothers. I held them but not long enough. I have a feeling I'll never let you go. I've been dreaming of those first few moments for four long years, and I keep getting stuck in the fear that those moments will be stolen from me, from us, like they were with Grady and Ryder. But God - God whispers in my ear Jeremiah 29:11, over and over again, and I'm back dreaming away of all that is you.
We have 9 weeks or less until all of my dreams and prayers come true. It's hard to believe that I prayed for something for so long and it'll be here before I know it. Time stands still while racing along with every blink. How can 9 weeks feel so close yet so far away? For those of you wondering how it's been being pregnant after a loss, let me just simplify it for you with one word: hell. I hate using that word but there's no better way to sum it up. Infant loss groups on Facebook fill my feed and stories that once made me feel less alone now remind me that no matter how far we are, we're not safe. Safe according to what is described here on Earth but God keeps trying to remind me that A. I need to trust in His plans and B. we're forever safe in His arms.
So as I continue to battle the war that is within, know that whatever it is you're facing today, that self-doubt or overwhelming fear that keeps creeping up on you, remember A. you need to trust in His plans and B. you're forever safe in His arms. Go allow yourself to get lost and dream away of all that is your hope.
As we count down to Charley Lynn, I'll be writing a mini series about our journey of pregnancy after loss. For those friends reading who have experienced a loss - I get it, I hear you and I feel your pain. For those friends reading that have been struggling with infertility and have been praying for a baby, I am praying beside you and I hope our story becomes a glimpse of hope for you and a reminder that God does answer prayers and fulfills our deepest desires. And if you're just here reading along because you've been following our journey since day one, I thank you. Thank you for being here, always, and for praying with us as we've journeyed along through heartache, grief & despair, and now in a season of receiving God's promises. I couldn't do this without each of you.