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ryder dylan dail.

January 16, 2015

 

 

Death has been, and still is, without a doubt {my biggest fear.}

Insert "sigh" here.

 

When I think of death, sometimes it's hard for me to envision the beautiful white gates, His presence around me, and that eternal life.

 

I picture {distance} away from those I love... and that distance is lonely, dark, and everything but what His

words have said.

 

Maybe He thought I needed to be shaken, maybe He thought I needed to trust a little harder, maybe He's trying to change my fears to peace.

 

Change me 'O Lord. Change me.

 

"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil 1:21

(Thanks to my sweet friend Amy for my "Where God Leads I will Follow" Book)

 

_______________________________

 

September 2, 2014

 

A day of defeat. I woke up that day telling everyone it was my day to go home. My patch had worked! I could see my kids again. I could go home and live life once again outside the four hospital walls.

How do you go three days of standing, showering, and sitting, all for it all to end in a moment's notice?

When I felt my water break but once again, I drowned. I drowned in defeat, shame, and I lost all faith. ALL faith. Do you know what that's like? It's a lonely place filled with many nasty thoughts.

As they rolled me back into the Ultrasound room to perform yet ANOTHER Amnio Patch I wasn't afraid. All of it had become routine to me at that point. This time I kept my eyes open.

 

I saw Ryder's tiny body cuddled up close to where they were supposed to insert the needle. Pushing and tugging my tummy around, they hoped he was far enough to be able to insert the needle and begin the procedure. What an amazing procedure to watch. I can tell you one thing, my Dr. was a gifted man.

Then they rolled me back to my room and gave me another three days of no moving.

 

"Lay flat on your back, do not roll, lay down while eating, do not go to the bathroom- Oh and have a nice day!"

 

Defeat.

 

Later that night my nurse over heard me talking about how my TV wouldn't change channels. I was stuck with the same NBC shows. For a lady who doesn't watch the news, I sure knew every thing and anything that was going on in the world during that time, even as soon as it was happening. Not. Fun.

She was determined to find me a new room. Man, my nurses were such a hit or miss. I loved the older ones. They felt like "Grandma." They would comfort me as I cried, would tell me about their families, and made sure I was okay. One nurse even went out of her way to give me her own lotion, since my skin was as dry as can be, and another nurse had told me "Sorry nothing we can do." You could easily tell which one's loved their jobs, and which ones not to call when needing to use the "restroom."

Anyways, changing rooms definitely changed my mindset a little. I had forgotten how great reality TV was, and the change of scenery was needed.

Here's to three days on my back!

 

_______________________

 

The rest of the week was filled with highs. Each day looked as though the patch was really working, and it was looking like I'd be able to go home again by the following week.

Friday came fast. There they were. The boys. My boys. Healthy and kicking around.

My nurse came in and was set on changing my sheets. I asked her not to only because I was still scared to sit up. She was determined and couldn't stand the thought of me lying on dirty sheets for so long. I guess I was getting used to "dirty."

She told me that she would help roll me while placing the new sheets down.

Guilt number one: why didn't I just say no?

She rolled me over and the new sheets felt great. Clean. Free of dirt and free of crumbs.

Later that day I felt a sharp pain. It only lasted a second and that was it.

That night I started leaking again. Bawling my eyes out, I paged the nurses into my room. They tested the fluid and it came back negative for amniotic fluid. They explained that it could have been from the patch, and all the extra stuff was just cleaning itself out.

Saturday came. My ultrasound tech was on vacation, so they decided an ultrasound was not needed. The assured me that I wasn't leaking fluid, and that I would be okay.

After all, I could still feel movement.

 

____________________________

 

Sunday, September 7, 2014.

 

Since I was told that my ultrasound tech was on vacation, I knew to expect a new one to visit me this morning. She was sweet, but different. You become accustom to a person. You know their techniques, you trust their words, you feel comfort. I was unsure with her.

Each time they scanned the boys, each boy took about 30 minutes to scan.

 

Guilt #2: why didn't I enjoy these day to day?

I would get tired during them. I was tired from being woken up every four hours during the night. I was tired of the 1000 text messages. I was tired of crying. So during my scans, I was tired.

Want to talk about guilt?

She began with Ryder. She kept going back to his brain. Over and over again. Then she stopped and went over to Grady.

 

At first I thought, "That was pretty fast.... she didn't even do his whole body. Must be how she scans."

 

There was Grady. She scanned him completely and went back to Ryder.

 

Not once did she go to his heart. Not even a single time.

 

She focused on his brain.

 

I knew instantly something was wrong, but I was so confused.

 

I asked, "How's his heartbeat?"

 

She scurried around and said, "Let me just check one more thing."

 

I started to cry, but wasn't sure why I was crying. I actually in that moment thought she was going to tell me I was going to have to abort him. Not sure why those were my thoughts, but those were some of the conversations they had with me.

 

"Your options are try this, this, or this, or you may go into labor, or you can abort."

 

Definitely not an option.

 

She said, "I'm sorry. I need to go call Dr. Quintero immediately."

 

And left the room.

 

I laid there confused. Alone.

 

Within what seem like minutes, Dr. Quintero was there, in his basketball shorts. Definitely his weekend wear. He had rushed over..... this couldn't be good.

 

He began to say he needed to exam me. That sometimes a baby's death can occur due to.... blah blah blah.

 

I blacked out.

 

"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN DEATH?"

 

"Baby A didn't make it."

...............................................

Ryder Dylan Dail <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

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